“To put someone else first sounds like death in North American individualistic culture, but that’s the riddle and the joy of marriage and the Christian life.”

Craig Macartney
Spur Ottawa Writer

The Ashley Madison scandal has all but faded from the news, yet its effects are still keenly felt in struggling marriages across western culture. Many Christians were shaken when the infidelity dating site was hacked, exposing several high profile pastors and Christian leaders as clients. Yet despite the sad stories that often take centre stage, marriage experts see a different reality.

“One of the things on the street is that the divorce rate is 50 percent and that it’s the same in the Church, but I’d be stunned if physical adultery in the Church happens with more than 10 percent of couples,” says Neil Josephson, national director of Family Life Canada. “Research shows that more people who are trying to follow Jesus, as opposed to nominal church goers, keep their vows.”

Josephson says Christians have numerous advantages (beyond the basic belief that adultery is wrong) that can help them stay faithful.

“If life is pointless, then Ashley Madison’s slogan, ‘life is short, have an affair,’ kind of makes sense. But if you believe you will answer to God for your stewardship of your life, marriage, and kids, it gives you a different view,” he explains. “Christians who really understand their marriage also have a sense that they are married to God’s son or daughter. There is a holy fear, in the best sense of the word, that people who are living closer to God feel.”

Josephson also says believers have access to spiritual resources to strengthen their marriage, like prayer, accountability, and forgiveness. One example he points to is the Lord’s Prayer, where it says, “Lead us not into temptation.” If Jesus told us to pray that, Josephson says, it’s a prayer that God will answer.

“If Church people actually have physical affairs, in my experience, I’d say a third of those break up. In Church circles, people see it as a horrible breach, but they believe in grace.” However, he adds, “It’s painful and I’m not saying they fully recover trust.”

There is one area of marital faithfulness where counsellors agree the Church is really struggling.

“I would not narrowly define infidelity as purely physical relationships,” says Elizabeth Reynolds, Clinical director at Christian Counselling Ottawa (CCO). “With the advent of the internet pornography has become such an issue in society. We see so many cases and pornography seems to be almost as prevalent in the Church.”

Reynolds says pornography is incredibly destructive on marriages. CCO often provides counselling to the spouse of pornography addicts, as well, to help them overcome struggles with their self-esteem and sense of wroth.

When they work with people struggling with pornography, CCO treats it like any other addiction. They focus on identifying the issues at the root of the problem. As they treat the root causes, the behavioural symptoms become easier to address.

“Often it’s a ways of coping with anxiety or feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. We are a very entertainment focused society, as well, and there are fewer meaningful interactions in couple relationships. That makes you more vulnerable, especially if there is someone who is interested and caring outside the relationship.”

One underlying issue Reynolds sees is that so often the Church seems afraid to address these issues.

“My concern is that it’s such a hard issue for pastors and leaders to talk about that young men have come to accept it. If the Church doesn’t acknowledge how prevalent pornography is and doesn’t want to talk about it, how does a young man deal with it?”

Reynolds isn’t sure why it’s such a hard issue to talk about, but she believes part of the problem is that many Christian leaders are also struggling. It would be very hard for a father to speak to their children about the issue if it’s something they are struggling with themselves, she explains. It would be even harder for pastors to speak about it from the pulpit if it’s a struggle they have.

“I think it’s safe to say the Church doesn’t address pornography enough. That’s not to criticise the Church, it’s just an observation. The conversation needs to start in the home. Parents need to have these conversations with their children. We need to be upfront, in youth groups and from the pulpit, talking about how prevalent it is and its impact.”

Josephson says it’s also key to foster a Christian culture that champions marriage as a positive thing.

“We need to lift marriage up as this great place to bless your spouse,” he says. “The world inverts that. They say marriage is supposed to make them happy. To put someone else first sounds like death to North American individualistic culture, but that’s the riddle and the joy of marriage and the Christian life – that if you put someone else first, you find yourself.”

Make your spouse constantly secure in your love; that’s Josephson’s biggest advice for couples. He says men and women should regularly take their spouse in their arms and tell them, “I’m glad I married you.”

“It amazes me how many couples don’t do that,” he states. “It’s so simple and it does profound things in the heart of your spouse.”

Josephson tells couples to do whatever it takes to instill that sense of value in each other and build trust. It will make all the difference, because intimacy is a risky thing, he explains.

“Great marriages have high levels of trust. That’s the worst thing about affairs and the Ashley Madison stuff. We’ve seen lots of people come back from affairs, whether they are physical, digital, or emotional, but rebuilding the trust takes a long time. How intimate someone will be, whether it’s sharing their feelings or sharing their bodies, it’s going to be related to the amount of trust.”