Allen Macartney
Guest Columnist

“What’s wrong with you?! What an incredibly stupid idea! You’ve got the IQ of a hubcap!”

Welcome to the 21st Century.

Ours is a highly competitive culture, too frequently seasoned with hostility and disrespect.

Shielded by the Internet’s anonymity, many bloggers vent anger by launching unrestrained warfare, using sneering words meant to humiliate, demean, and insult those who disagree. Wired on double cappuccinos and high-octane energy drinks, we are like a society of ramped-up, tuned-out, adrenaline-charged hamsters, running madly around our cage.

Ironically, in this age of 24/7 communication, news streams, tweets, Facebook, e-mails, and text messages, most people have incredibly poor communication skills. We are too stressed out. The result: a feverish escalation of incivility and provocative attacks that often spiral out of control.

Some Christians even readily adopt an insulting, biting tone with those who disagree. It is near impossible to find well-reasoned discussion with a tone of mutual respect on hot-button topics like abortion, same-sex relationships, or assisted suicide. Truth matters, but not when it is delivered in a toxic, arrogant way. The attitude vilifies the message and it is lost in translation.

If we are only pleasant and reasonable with those who agree with us, are we any better than the society around us? Mercy and love must temper our words and tone.

Here’s the point: ideas might not be equal, but people are.

Discussion should not become an adversarial battle of egos, where the most acerbic person dominates the other.

James tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19) Jesus told us to do to others as we want them to do to us. We are “to do” good things (like treating people respectfully) before others do it to us. Does that sound like grace?

Like it or not, we are obliged to show respectful self-restraint. This is not a weak form of sentimentalism.

No one would accuse Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. of lacking passion. Yet he used non-violent, respectful words that did not vilify others. Even when they were beating him and his followers with clubs and releasing attack dogs against them, his Christian witness shone. Change did not come overnight, but people soon noticed.

Our culture glories in assertiveness—and that provides opportunities.

Not all ideas are equal, balanced, and right. Some people are simply wrong. But here’s the point: ideas might not be equal, but people are. We can disagree strongly, even passionately, without attacking in an insulting, demeaning, or humiliating way. The core of civility means living at peace with others, despite deep differences.

Russian KGB secret police recruiters trained their spies to be great listeners. The reason: everyone wants to talk, and no-one wants to listen. The moment we really actively listen to someone, unconsciously, they start liking us.

Like communication, listening skills are weak today. Our culture glories in assertiveness—and that provides opportunities. If people knew Christians as a listening, gentle people, not easily slighted or offended, would that bring honour to God? We do not have to drive the full speed limit. We can ease off slightly. (Full disclosure: I find this very hard.)

We are called to be counter cultural.

So what can we do to breathe some balance into a raw conversation? What are some de-escalating strategies? Try speaking a little bit quieter and more slowly than the other person. Adopt a measured approach, pausing. Listen actively. Refuse—actually refuse—to interrupt.

We do not have to become willing doormats. If someone starts loudly ranting, it is probably time to simply walk away, hang up, or sign off.

We are called to be counter cultural. That requires discipline. It also might be creative and fun. Let’s look for it. In this era of road rage, air rage, and shopping cart rage, let’s be utterly outrageous.

Allen Macartney is a freelance writer and editor. He aspires to one day display perfect love and civility toward even the most obstinate of grace-growers.